My dad passed Saturday, 9:30pm.

http://www.legacy.com/HartfordCourant/DeathNotices.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=121755508

Okay, so I've been trying to avoid what's been going, though it's absolutely impossible.

I've tried writing, drawing and basically yanking the muse or any kind of inspirational creativity out of the air in order to block out what surrounds me.

It all feels so strange, so unreal, like something off the T.V.

But, though I do not want to face the reality of it all, I must.

Though my family has always, always driven me to the brink of insanity and I have always wanted to separate myself from them, I cannot do that now or in the near future.

I must stand beside my mother and siblings, watching as my father continues on with this slow torturous death. I have never, in my life, been surrounded by more Cancer than I am right now. The general talk, the discussions, the appearance, the smell, everything is all consumed with Cancer and death and all the optimism in the world is losing out to this ugly, horrendously mean disease.

In the past week there have been a few updates....

As you already know my father had kidney failure to begin with, previous to that he had, had 3 heart attacks and was dealing with emphysema.
So, yeah... kidney failure. He has been wearing bags on either side of him for the past two months now. They had to go in and rearrange things, otherwise, with the kidneys alone, he would've been dead in a week.

Along with the kidney failure, they diagnosed Stage 4 Bladder Cancer, which had moved to the rectum area. That was a given, as I had looked it all up and knew it would spread there first, thus the kidney failure.

Once they opened him up to deal with the kidneys, the Cancer spread. That, too, was already in the forefront of the mind, because what is it??? Once the air hits Cancer it spreads faster??? Or something like that. In any case, it did. Still optimistic at this point.

It then decided to jump to his colon. Okay, optimism took a huge blow, but it's still there and we believe in miracles, right?

Last week we were told that it is in his spine and I'll bet you can guess where it decided to go from there, since the spine is connected to his hips, legs, etc. Either way, still optimistic, but Cancer is winning at this point. I want to believe in miracles. I try my hardest to believe that he'll be able to get up and walk, go into rehab and be able to come home for a bit.

Two days ago we were informed that the Cancer is in his bones.
Optimism and miracles - 0, Cancer - 1.

There is no, absolutely no possibility that the doctors will be able to do anything for him, to give him more time than what we were initially told (6 months to a year). Now, it could be anywhere from a couple weeks to a month.

He is currently losing a pound a day. Trying to eat, but still losing a pound a day.

His weight, in two months, has gone from 163, down to 137, down to 132, down to 132, down to 114, and as we stand as of last night, 113.

We were also told that because of the Cancer his bones are degenerated, brittle and getting worse. Which means, a slight misstep, fall or what have you will cause him to break like glass.

He no longer looks like the father I knew, like any of us knew. What we see is the face of Cancer, a haunting, sunken, sallow appearance. He is on so many high powered drugs that at times when you look at him, he is staring at you, but not seeing you. He is looking through you. It is the creepiest stare I have ever seen. At times he does not even realize who is in the room, because of the drugs and because he is so exhausted and in so much pain.

I can feel it. I can almost see it. But I don't want to believe it. I some how want to make it stop, flip it, turn it around, but I know death is coming. It's coming to quickly. Before it was this light airy thought that entered the room, in which we gently pushed away.
Now, it is heavy, thick and will not budge. It is stubborn, relentless and refuses to leave. It is there when we visit him, it is there when we are home, discussing him, always there and I so badly and very angrily, want to scream, tell it to go away, it's not time, please not yet. Please don't take him yet.

I am angry at my father because Cancer does not go from Stage 0 to Stage 4 just like that and at some point I knew that he knew something was wrong and he didn't say anything. This could have been dealt with sooner. All this pain and torture did not have to take place.
I want to scream at him. Scream till I'm hoarse and can't scream anymore, but then I also want to beg and plead, please don't go. Please don't go.

You would think it's different, knowing what the outcome will be, compared to not knowing and having it happen out of the blue. It's not. It feels , almost, worse. Some part of you, deep inside, keeps saying, there's still a chance that he'll live longer because he's still here, he's still trying to eat, trying to move and being stubborn as hell.
But you know. The knowing brings this tremendous pain unlike any other you've ever felt and if you feel this much pain, what can he possibly feeling knowing his life is coming to a quicker end than was first thought?

I believe wholeheartedly that somewhere out there, there is a cure for Cancer, that it has been around for quite some time, but you have to either be tremendously rich in order to get it or it's being kept secret.
Because if such a cure were to be brought forth, the medical community would lose money and they don't want to do that.

You don't have to agree with me. I understand. But that is what I believe. It is almost 2009 and it's crazy to think that we don't have a cure or a better way to deal with Cancer.

Thank you for reading.

K.

Morning all,

Just a small update and decided to post previews of what I've been trying to pull out of my muse all summer long. Each one has been started, but not finished as of yet.

Right now, my schedule is a little full with 2 part time jobs and homeschooling, but it'll all come together, hopefully soon.

The tooth or lack thereof is healing nicely. The dentist completely freaked me out about getting dry socket, since I'm a smoker. So, after all was said and done, for about a week, I kind of sat around waiting for it to happen, though I was trying my darnedest to be good and not smoke. lol.

It didn't happen. Thank goodness.

It feels weird, though, not having a tooth there, even one that was completely down to a nub. I suppose that'll wear off eventually.

Yep, it's been mashed potatoes, scrambled eggs, a pudding here and there, ice cream once and so on, for over a week now. I am so ready for a big fat cheeseburger or giant extra cheese pizza. lol.

And like I said above, I've been working on quite a few new designs with new faces, bigger eyes and heads, etc. Plus, I've been trying to add in a background or something else besides a single character. Below are some previews of what's being worked on. Hope you like them.

These really don't have titles as of yet.

This one I started first, I think. I wanted to create an Irish fairy, big red hair, freckles, etc. I do have the freckles done, but for some reason they don't look right and they give her a measles kind of appearance.
The skintone and face are just about done, but the hair is going to be a pain in the tush.



Next up is just a posed fairy, similar to what I've been doing for quite some time. I like her and the colors I chose, so we'll see how she comes out. Nothing started on her yet.



Next is just a girl image I was playing with. Wanted to make her look cute, yet somewhat odd and I might make her more gothy, not sure yet.



Next is a mermaid I've been working on. Again, not sure about this one. Something is not quite right, but haven't put my finger on it yet. I think her eyes are too big or something.



Another girl/fairy image I've been playing with.



Next up is an image that actually has a title, Pain and Sorrow.



This next one is more recent. I think that the hair is taking away from the face and on the verge of changing it.



This next one is one of my favorites and I've been working on it slowly.



And finally, this one is my very favorite. This is the one that is just about done and I think it will be used in a new design for the website.



I think that's it for now. Hope your week is going well.

K. :)

Hey there,

Almost 1 am and yes, I'm awake. But this time it's from having gone to bed at 7:30 pm last night. I still feel tired, but couldn't fall back to sleep.

Thank you for all the comments. They are much appreciated.

I had the tooth pulled out. He had to do an oral surgery. The dentist had to cut a little of my gum to get the darn tooth out and he pulled it out in pieces, then stitched it all up again.

Saw all my xrays for every tooth. OMG! ALOT of teeth need reworking.
I cannot believe, but should and certainly didn't listen for all those years that soda could actually deteriorate your teeth in such a way.
I am definitely the poster child for drinking water, drinking things that are more healthy.

I've got an infection on the other side, bottom tooth and the upper, plus on the upper one above the one that was just pulled and my front teeth in back are soooo awful that they even mentioned having to get partials. OMG! I'm only 37.

But, I suppose this is what I get, right?

Anyway, I wore the gauze over the area, probably longer than I should have and just took it off a little while ago. I did put clean gauze over it twice earlier. I was and am afraid of the bleeding, but I did swish or kind of rinse with warm water and salt and I have my antibiotics and my Motrin, so hopefully it'll be okay.

The dentist I went to was a private practice, one I had never been to before. I felt it was okay, since we had/have insurance, thinking to myself that pulling a tooth couldn't possibly cost that much, but guess how much the whole thing was?????

543.00. What the ????? Pulling the tooth was 375.00, the xrays and they took extra xrays was 168.00. My insurance covered 335.00 or something like that and my stinkin' copay was 206.00. I definitely wasn't expecting that much.

It's hard to explain, but the minute I walked in, I kind of knew that it was going to cost me an arm and a leg simply for making an appoinment with him.

I have another appointment at the end of October, but I'm not sure if I'm going to go back to him due to the pricing. Why is it a dentist or a doctor can never give you a straight answer on their prices?
I don't understand that.

Anyway, I think that's it for now. Forgive me for babbling yet again, but for some odd reason, as I mentioned before, going to the dentist makes me nervous and kind of scares me a bit. I'm praying nothing else happens and I can go to my next appointment or another dentist without being in pain.

Oh, before I end this, the dentist and dental assistant really, really played up dry socket. Have any of you ever gotten that after pulling a tooth. My family and my husband all say that after having a tooth pulled, they swished with warm water and salt and went back to doing everything normal right after having it pulled and nothing happened.

I am definitely terrified of feeling that high intensity pain again and how much it will cost if I have to go back, so was just wondering.
I looked it up and it said 1-3% of people get it, mostly smokers.
Uhhh, hello. That's me. But then again, that's also my husband and my family.

How long before you feel normal again? Before you can eat normal again?

Hope you all have a great day.

K.

Have developed a huge habit of grinding my teeth in the past year.
Have used a mouth guard for a better part of that, but have ground the crap out of it to where my back teeth were exposed, getting alot of the action.

One tooth in particular has been ground to nothing, root or nerve or something is exposed. Cannot eat, drink, touch it, brush my teeth, etc.

People, the pain has fully consumed me and my life. OMG! I want to scream, cry, run around like a lunatic, but what good is that going to do.

The grinding of teeth started upon moving above my family. They don't know that, nor would they believe me, but hubby knows. I have kept him up more times than he or I can count.

Called the dentist yesterday on his cell. Want this sucker pulled. It's a back tooth, doesn't matter if it's there or not. He mentions building it back up. Honey, there's nothing there to build from. He's gonna have one heck of a time getting it out because it is down to my gums.

He put me on antibiotics and pain meds. Neither are working at all to lessen the pain. Have gone through just about a whole tube of oral gel just to try and get some relief. Am up to 8-12 ibuprofen a day, most likely more than that because I seem to lose count. I am now immune to them and it sucks big time.

The pain meds he put me on say they take 2 weeks to work and you can't take anymore than 1 a day because they will cause bleeding of the stomach.
Ummm, why would I want to take them then? I took the recommended 2 yesterday to get me started, but reread all the side effects and stomach part and am really not sure if I am going to take anymore. Don't think so.

Am going to see him this morning. Really, really can't afford it, but I have to do it. The pain has literally got me on my knees. No exaggeration.
It runs from one back tooth on the bottom all the way across my gums to my front teeth and jams up into my ear, like a pinching/stabbing feeling.
And it seems that the top back tooth on the same side is doing the same thing, unless it's all just coming from that one tooth, not sure.

Yes, I know. Not very interesting. But I've been up since 1am. It is now after 2 and here I am, attempting to drink some coffee, and maybe work on some long awaited updates to my site. Was able to drink coffee for the past few days with minimal problems, but this morning, there's slightly more pain than I anticipated upon taking that first sip.

Need more oral gel or someone just needs to come knock me the heck out.

That's what I get I suppose. I'm a big baby when it comes to the dentist.
Last time I saw one was in 1995 and about the same amount of time before that. Plus having a major, major soda addiction from age 5 all the way up to 2006, didn't and doesn't help either. Soda completely destroyed my teeth, plus being a morning coffee drinker and smoker.

I know I'm babbling. Sorry. Trying to concentrate on something other than the stabbing pain running across the left side of my face.

UGH!

Haven't ate or slept for days. But it all doesn't seem to matter. My whole body is exhausted, but the pain has me wide awake and so not hungry.

Okay, I suppose it's time to stop babbling.

Hope you're all doing well and feeling fine. I will post again later or tomorrow depending on how I feel after the dentist.

K.