Ah, the integral balance of this dance called life.  This is a little blog I wrote about my path...

The thing is, I am so much of both sides of this balance. I am the warrior ready to kill and assassinate if need be, but I am also the healer ready to infuse others with life, light and strength. It's been said to me that I will be a teacher and to not resist. I have healed people through Earth means and spirit means. I have healed myself and continue to, ah human existence. I am awake to the divine, to the earth, to you and she and he. But I sometimes feel a bit confused by the balance within myself and contemplative. For there are those things I have done since I was a child, the healing, learning and now teaching; but I also feel so strongly drawn to a total different course; a different reality. The reality of violence and darkness that is the balance to the healing and light.

Am I here to heal or to fight? Apparently it is possible and probable that many of us will do both, as it should be and perhaps as it always has been...WTF??!!?! Seems a little twisted, and definitely twists up my mind and my soul body. Train yourself to break it and then be capable of healing the damage to restore the balance?

Hmmmmm......

My children are growing and I, aging. In another 10 years I will be well on my way to being the Crone. I want to roar louder, hold ritual space and pierce more, fight better and better, and heal with a touch and an intention.

I have few in my life that truly understand what I am. Very few; this is the reflection of not knowing myself exactly what I am, I suppose. Only I do know.... There must be so many other humans like me on this planet because we are who is needed now. RIGHT NOW! No more tomorrow, but NOW. I have to trust and believe with all faith and inspiration that when and if "THAT TIME" comes, we will unite by sheer force of what is and what must be. For that is the way it must be, Unified.

To both guard and pray, protect and manifest. I have practiced in herbs and healing since I was nine or 10-years-old. I have dreamt of battle for long before that, before memory had taken hold. Yet I can remember crawling into my mom's bed, shaking. A recurring dream it was...I would wake so scared then. I rarely feel true fear anymore. Does that mean I am ready? Hmmm...Perhaps just ready for the next level of training as there is always more to learn.

It's a tricky thing...to not put thought into manifestation of violence, but also to be ready in case there is need for protection, strength, need for the guardians to stand and fight while others anchor in light and protect the children. So many ???s.....So many possibilities. Where is that magic wand I used to have anyway?....That would help put all this shit straight.