What do you do when you know you're being emotionally abused?  What do you do when you're in a relationship that makes you feel like your needs are worthless?  What do you do when, for whatever stupid, weak reason, you love the person abusing you?  You know that they're hurting you, you know they'll keep hurting you, you know that you're getting less and less positive... anything out of the relationship, but... you can't forget the good times.  You remember them, and they were amazing?  You don't believe that person could be gone.  You don't believe that that person could have changed so drastically, and you couldn't do anything about it.  And it hurts. It hurts.  What do you do?

I seem to have this annoying habit of staying up to ungodly hours of the night.  5 am, and I've gotta help my family tear down our old garage later today.  But that's how it goes sometimes.

So I've been thinking, because that's what I do late at night as I'm looking at random stuff on the internet.  And because I've been reading through horribly syrup-y sweet nonsense that some people concoct to manipulate people's emotions (Is is just my bias making me note that a lot of those are written by christians, or is it the truth?) I've been thinking about my family.

We think that these heartwarming stories (think Chicken Soup For The Soul and all its numerous  spawn) only happen to special people.  Famous people, or people who do great things with their lives.  If they do something great, they have to be well known.  Or more accurately, that everyone who has done something gread must be well known, because we keep track of those people.  But it's not true.  So many people do great things. 

And right now I'm thinking about my dad.  Because he's a great guy.  Sure, he does all those annoying dad things to me, even though I'm 19, and he gets angry too easily, and things like that.  But he's done so much, and he works so hard. 

My little sister Grace is disabled, and was born disabled.  Cerebral Palsy, a learning disability, mild autism, all sorts of things.  She's 14 and can't walk or talk on her own.  She can't eat, she's incontinent, and none of it's getting better.  My mother... disconnected from life a long time ago.  She's had mild-to-medium health issues her whole life, and was always absent minded.  She never seemed to be able to make any decisions on her own, always relying on my dad or whoever was near.  3 years ago she had a stroke, followed by some other complications.  She was in a coma for over a week, and has recovered much bettere than the doctors predicted.  However, the stroke permanantly damaged her memory, her eyesight, and a few other things.

My dad took care of me, my Mom, my sister Grace, and my sister Hannah for so many years.  He sacrificed his dreams to be a writer to take care of us.  He works hard every day, and now that he's finally found happiness in his own life, I couldn't be happier for him.  He does so much, and I don't thank him often enough.

Ok, so. This'll be the first really big personal post I've made here, and it's a doozy (does anyone even use that word anymore?)

Now, for the back story. In my sophomore year of Hight School (I've just finished my first year of college) I met this girl. We'll call her Y. Cute girl, shy, sweet, creative, loves fantasy, loves to write, all the good stuff, none of the bad. She's from France too, here with her mom and siblings for her mom's job. Gonna leave when she graduates (and she's a junior, so it's not too far off), been there for three or four years already. We become fast friends. I make it clear that I'm not only happy being friends with her, I'd like to be more (us silly bisexuals). Eventually (by this time I'm a junior, she's a senior, and her departure's coming up faster than either of us like) she warms up to the idea, we start going out. It's good times. Lots of long good times. Her mom finds out (doesn't like it, but what's she gonna do? Thinks it's a "phase"), I tell my dad (he's happy for me.) We go to prom (but not dinner before. Oh, no. Prom is fine, her mother says, but we can't go out to dinner beforehand. That one still confuses me. What're we gonna do, have Hot Lesbian Sex on top of a table?) go to movies together, all that jazz.

Eventaully, however, she does have to move back to France. I'm sad, she's sad, but we're both dealing. We're gonna keep at the relationship, but it's gonna be an open relationship. Seems reasonable, and it's nothing that bugs me. It honestly doesn't bug me when she gets a boyfriend. Sure, there were moments here and there when I was sad that he got to hold her and talk to her and all that while I didn't, but I'm not a posessive person. I strongly believe that you can love more than one person. So if she loves him, that's great for her, she still loves me too.

By this point Y and I've been going out for 2 years. Got together in early autumn '05. We were happy. She was talking about coming back here for a summer, I was talking about visiting France for a summer, things were good. We talked about all the things going on in our lives. Her boyfriend, best friend, school, job. My best friend/bane of my existence, job, school, current hobby. We both worry about the fact that if she told her boyfriend (reffered to as G) about us, he'd probably break up with her. That worried me because A) if he broke up with her she'd be sad. I didn't want that, B) apparently her boyfriend was kinda jealous, and sensitive, and I think of jealousy as a horrible thing, and C) Y. hadn't told G. that she was dating me, which is essentially cheating on him, which I tend to look down on. But Y. was angry at herself for not having the guts to tell G. and I love her, so I forgave her.

This, my dears, is our back story. I do tend to go on.

Now, fast forward to February 12th of this year. I'd been having worried feelings about Y. and my relationship for awhile, mostly 'cause she'd been asking me things like "if we weren't a couple, we'd still be friends, right?". So, that morning (afternoon for her.) she decided she'd finally tell me. She wanted to break up with me. (She never actually said it, but I got the point.) Ok, I was sad, kinda angry, but I'd have been fine with it. Except...

After a bit of questioning, she tells me that she'd been planning to break up with me since Christmas. About two months ago, and while I don't think she'd typed the words "I love you" since that time, it's still a lie. Not to mention me embarassing myself by doing that cutesy-couple stuff I'm so fond of with her. Not to mention that just the week before I told her I'd be sending her a Valentine's Day Present. Not to mention that Valentine's Day was two days away. So, I was less than happy with her. But I'm a forgiving person, I still love her, and I tend to take whatever people give me.

So now, 5 months later, we're still talking. We're talking less, but we're on good terms. She's still planning on visiting next summer, I'm not planning on visiting France. She's still going out with G. and I still lack an actual date (did I mention the part where there was someone in mid-January who would have gone out with me if I hadn't been in another relationship?). Fine. I thought I was doing alright with it, but I've had hints that I'm actually pretty angry with her. I had the pretty jarring realization that I was almost jealous of G. a month or two ago, and that leads to problems, since I think jealousy is pretty much evil. (as I said to Y. earlier today, jealous = ****. So yeah, I'm an ****. So's G., but that's no comfort) There was the depressing realization that her breaking up with me put a dent in my self esteem (which was already low, but the fact that the only change the breakup would apparently have on our relationship (and, my mind says, the reason Y.'s choosing him over me) is one of the few things I took pride in. Apparently I'm not as good as I thought.).

Today, however... we're talking, mostly about her plans for visiting next summer. I'm still secretly hoping she'll come back to me at that time, but I know it's pure fantasy. Still, a girl's allowed her fantasies. I mention that I'd still love to go up to the Cabin ( a beautiful cabin up in the Colorado Rocky Mountains that's owned by family. Back before she left for France we'd planned on going up there for a week for a nice long romantic getaway.) but it'd probably be too intimate. She says yeah, it'd probably make G. uncomfortable. So I figure that she's told him about our ex-relationship, and she confirms this.

I get that familiar sinking feeling. I ask her when she told G. about us. Oh, back around Christmas time, she says. Coincidence? (Yeah, probably, but it seems to me that it's not likely.) So, this is the time that all my anger and hurt and yes, a little jealousy decides to spill over. I start being actively angry, pointing out for the first time ever the fact that she was cheating on him. That kind of thing. Things I'd never do normally. It doesn't even bother her, which is kinda disappointing, because when I'm actually trying to hurt someone's feelings, I like to, y'know, actually hurt their feelings. But apparently I'm crap at that too. So yeah, now I'm angry and hurt and depressed and jealous, and I can't call my only friend because he's moved and his phone number's changed and he hasn't told me the new one and he won't answer the e-mail I sent him and I'm just generally depressed.

So I share the story here, and hope that someone will have the patience to read it and tell me (truthfully. I prefer the hard ugly truth to lies that are told just to make you feel better) that I'm not being a bitch and I have every right to be mad at her. But I'm probably just being stupid and over reacting and not seeing things enough from her point of view. So, if anyone's read this, please tell me... am I in the wrong here?

Well, I'm currently in somewhat of  creative stasis, and I'm hoping that if I write what I hope to do down, it'll help me get my determination back.  And let all the people who visit me see what they can be anticipating.

First of all, I hope to write another short story, mostly just to prove that I can.  As with all of my stories (not that anyone but I would know this...) it'll be set in Sorianna's universe.  More on that later, when I have time to describe her story.  Suffice to say it's my big project, the story I hope to one day publish, and the developing it (with the help of assorted friends) has taken over 7 years.  It's changed a lot, but it's still my greatest obsession.  So getting some actual work done on it should help my current lack of writing confidence.

Also, for more long-term creations, I need to finish my background information for my upcoming webcomic A Dream Of A Tower.  Then I need to script a few pages, then actually draw those pages.  That's gonna take awhile, but it'll be worth it.  Once again, more information when I'm not about to run to the store to get some pizza (sure, it's midnight, but I've only eaten one bagel all day.  I'm hungry.).  But while Sorianna's story (which, yes, after 7 years still doesn't have a title.) is a more modern, almost Sci-Fi-ish Fantasy story, Dream is pure fantasy, set in a land that somewhat resembles the Celtic myths.

So, those are my current projects.  Well, those and cleaning my room.  Wish me luck!

So, I have this odd habit of going to my local McDonalds to use as a coffee shop.  It's nearby, and for some reason I feel really comfortable.  I've been known to be there for 4 or 5 hours at a time.  I'll draw, I'll paint, I'll read, I'll write.  And people will always compliment me, so it's good for the ego too.  Sure, the food's not great, but I only buy enough so that I don't feel bad about taking up their space.

Now, normally I'll just sit there with my headphones, oblivious to the world around me.  But today... well I had my headphones off, enjoying the sounds of people as they each do their own thing.  Then I noticed this couple.  Man and a woman, she in her mid thirties, he in his late twenties.  They seemed to be more redneck-y than most people around here, but I'm not a good judge of that.  Anyways, they seem to be a couple, I'd guess married from their age, but I'm not sure. 

They set their food down at a table pretty close to me, and immediately attracted my attention.  The woman seemed to be wanting to sit down and eat her food, but the guy insisted that she "get a nickle.  Get it.  Faster!" from a wallet (it looked like a woman's wallet, but he kept a hold of it.) and sent her to the quick trip next door to get a newspaper (which is funny, they provide free ones at McDonald's.  So, that was odd, but I get back to my work. 

Then, it just gets weirder.  I had Morrigan (my laptop) with me, so I was able to record snippets of their conversation word for word.  Now, at first glance, it seemed to be an abusive, or at least controlling conversation.  But... I don't know.  I'll share what I heard, form your own opinions.

Keep in mind that everything they said was in a calm, quiet, peaceful tone of voice.  Like these were everyday, non eventful things to say.

The woman returns from getting the paper, sits down to eat.  The guy pulls out a section, starts to read it.  The woman does the same.  Then there's this exchange. 

Guy: "Did I give you permission to read my paper?  Did I give you permission to read my paper?"

Woman: "I'm gonna run away from you."

Guy:"Ok, you can read my paper."

Then they get to talking about their food.

Woman:"These sausage biscuts aren't very good, are they?"

Man:"They're really good.  The Price is Right says they're really good."

Later, they're talking.  Just about random stuff, completely normal. Then there's this exchange.

Woman, out of nowhere:"I should leave.  There's no people here I like.  You're abusive, my father's abusive, *indistinct*"

Man, cheerfully:"Well, you're with the right people."

Woman, petulantly:" I don't like people.  I don't like people, and I don't like you."

Man, reassuringly:" Well, honey, that's what makes you perfect."

And then they continue to talk about mundane, everyday things.  Like nothing happened.

The guy's still reading his paper, drinking.  The woman's done with her food, and apparently bored.

Woman:*pointedly pulls her keys out of her purse.*

Man:" What're you doing?  I just got my paper, I'm not gonna go yet.  I'm slow, I'm dumb, I'm stupid"

They're discussing assorted things mentioned in the paper.

Man:*seems concerned that they're selling cars that get 40 miles per gallon "in the rest of the whole world", but not here.  Seems to think this is done to spite him.*

And those, my friends, are the odd things I heard this morning at McDonalds.