this is kassie..
i am so terrible at keeping myself on track.. find reasons to break my streak cuz "tomorrow i'll do better". yeah right, i need a reward/punishment system. that would be nice. conveniently telling me that i cannot break again otherwise there will be consequences. im going to walk all the way to my friend's house tonight, just to prove that i can get out and move and not sit in my appartment for hours endlessly watching the tv.. that i have a life and i have friends.. a future even? i've already determined against that notion. im at the best time of my life right now and yet i can't even bring myself to make the most of it. such a stupid person i am.. insecure, unorganized, pleasure seeking...
i finally watched "the notorious bettie page" and i have to say, im dissapointed.. i mean i was told by other sources that she was a jesus freak, but seriously., i need to define who i am and what i believe in.. not necessarily in terms of religion, but rather personal values.. goals.. one can still be a good person without having this jesus fellow dictate how life should be. blah, here i am, moody again.
secretly, i do know who i am, who i want to be. but is that really me if i cannot bring myself to become this person? i guess i never was to begin with. these identities float around in my head but are never truely realized until i become drunk or otherwise inebriated. half the time i feel i am just pretending to be a person that my boyfriend is with, or that my friends think me as, or as my more distant friends are lead to believe i am... my biggest girl crush ever is coming to town this weekend, staying in my vacant roomate's room.. im so nervous, i feel like i have to clean every inch, display girly items like jewelry and hair products, put away junk foods.. eat less before she comes.. i hold her on this pedastool and she may not even deserve it. i have to transform in a way, who i am to feel better about myself while in her company. so to speak, i have to suck in when she's around, and i can even let my self loose when by boyfriend's around. what does this all mean? at least she thought of me to stay with.. to get away from it all. that makes me feel an ounce better. i wish i could be prescribed valium.. im so on edge all the time.
well i must bust out of my appartment.. i have to, for me, for my friends, for sanity..
don't be fooled, for time is running out. don't feel the pressure, for you cannot stop it.