I hope everyone is having a magical Summer Solstice ... in their own enchanted way ...

On the 24th {Isn't that Fairy day??} I will be having my 3rd cycle of chemo. I bite my lip and look forward, try to see either beyond it or focus solely on the moment. I paint, sculpt, read, watch a silly amount of costume dramas. I allow myself many distractions, which is easy enough when you have children. I will be halfway through my chemo treatment and it seems the tumour is already shrinking -  everything I'm going through will be worth it, I know it will.

I wasn't as sick after the 2nd cycle as I was after the first, but I did feel horribly tired. Its hard to explain how miserable those days were because tiredness is just tiredness, and yet it affected me dreadfully. I became very dull and frustrated, mourning many things about myself that I thought were lost - the length of time before myself returning seeming too unbearably long to endure. For the first time since this whole era of my life began I started to feel that I was caught in a trap that was only at that moment beginning to bare its teeth.

But the circle came around and within a week my energy levels returned to normal and now I am me again. I've heard people describe this period as a roller coaster and yes, it is like that; but to me it feel less like ups and downs and more like circles; like a circle that curls round in strength and weakness, and as long as I remember that and am patient then the circle will flow again and I will return to myself. I can look in the mirror and say "See? You weren't gone for that long..."

Lots of darker characters are coming to me these days, but I'm going with the flow and letting them. I've added quite a few new pictures, but somehow still have a large backlog of sculptures to photograph. But as many of you appreciate, photographing faeries is never an easy business, and must NEVER be rushed {I think they find it rude}... Ages ago now it seems RootDeity and I talked about the Murder of Crows and thought that An Unkindness of Ravens was particularly evocative ... Then Tommy wrote a wonderful poem with the words 'Night Time's Fae" and then that got me thinking ... {sorry I never got back to you, dear Tommy, but see how we all inspire each other??} Dark eyed fae with decadent finery, red heads with stars in their hair, modern little gothics with oversized boots ... watercolours of tangled witches, forsaken mermen, {how can anyone leave lonely forever the kings of the sea???} and lots and lots of ghostly white hares ... Its been fun. Its certainly kept me busy. I hope to share more with you soon.

Thank you again and again for your friendship and support and words that comfort. I hope this summer is good to everyone. I hope that we all play in the sun and escape the rain, and have lots and lots of picnics.

My life is a little topsy turvy these days ...

On 30th April, Beltane Eve, I was confirmed as having breast cancer. As you can imagine this has really shaken up my family and friends, and myself too I suppose, although I have to say that it was always something of a shadow in my mind. So many women in my family have had it, you see, and so I always did used to think that it might well be something I would have to deal with someday. I didn't think I would be this young though ...

I have had my first cycle of chemo; one down, five to go. After that I will have to have a mastectomy, then radiotherapy. The wonderful doctors and nurses at my local hospital - and I am SO lucky to live where I do and be near such an excellent hospital - will pretty much be stealing a year from my life, but once we've got through this I will hopefully have many many more years to enjoy. I need to at least see my gorgeous boys reach their twenties and terrorize the local lasses!!!

The hardest part of this has been telling people and shaking up their own little worlds. Its very hard to see those you love being so frightened for you, to see how it affects them.

I'm sharing this news because you guys are also my friends, and a rather selfish part of me very much craves the love and support that you Enchanted folk are so fantastic at.

In other news I have still been painting and sculpting, and hopefully will get some art work up on here to show off. I think my painting has come on quite a bit actually *proudly beams*  I got severely squashed at a Levellers gig a few weeks ago  *Note to self; moshing is not a great idea after a biopsy, even if this is Cambridge and moshing is more refined here*  And this Bank Holiday sunday I will be at the Fairyland Trust's Fairy Fair in Norfolk with some friends and family. I've been making some black glittery faery wings especially for the day and I'm really pleased with how dramatic they look. I told my boys they could dress up as something magical for the day and they have both chosen to be Ben10 ... *sigh* ... I think the connection between magic and alien is a little tenuous, but what can you do ...?

No, seriously - what can I do??????!!!!!

Anyway, if you are also going, look out for a slightly gothicky blonde faery with two Ben10 boys in tow and please come over and say hi. And fingers all crossed for us that the weather holds, but that is probably hoping for too much. 

I don't mind. I'm learning not to fret about tomorrow. Today the sun is shining. Today my youngest is sat on my lap as I write this. And today, I still have my hair! And I am happy. At this moment, I am so happy ...

Driving down the motorway last night a grubby grey van that was once white pulled in front, and scrawled into the dirt were the words -

'Seek the Dark'

It stayed with me all night, kept me awake while my eldest child and his father snored lightly in the bed next to me. These were my muddled thoughts ...

Seek the Dark